Balancing Val

Posts Tagged ‘eating

How awesome of me to leave on that last note and not post again šŸ˜‰

sorry . . .

Thanks for your comments.

I’m feeling a bit better now. I sat in silence thinking about what I was actually feeling and it boiled down to FRUSTRATION. I’m having all of these lightbulb moments and learning lessons and then get knocked down back to this point of limbo where I’m stuck in the middle of it all. A place where I know dieting does not work but yet all of the things happening now don’t WORK either.

Then that brings me to wonder what WORK is? Is there a defining moment where I can call myself ok? What turns my situation into a success story? Is it dropping excess weight? Is it loving yourself without lying? Is it being able to be your raw self no matter what?

I’m done whining though. I’m taking what is happening to me now as something I’m supposed to learn something from or go through.

I am moving on

This is the first time we took a vacation where we didn’t live at home. Now instead of just laundry to tend to, we got cleaning, mail, dishes unpaid bills and work. I think a perfect vacation is 2 weeks long. One week going somewhere and the next to relax and take a vacation from your vacation šŸ™‚

I do feel better after eating more foods that have life in them and drinking more water.I had a great run yesterday and am hoping to repeat one today. My goal for the totally undertrained first ever 5k race is to have fun and finish in 50 minutes or under.

I got TONS of laundry to tend to now.


WARNING: this is another post on self-care. I don’t have advice to give here or any life changing revelations. This is simply just an observation I have had recently and I’d like to post it while its on my mind.

Over the weekend my mom was driving me and my sisters somewhere. A song came on the radio that I enjoy. At first I turned it up but then quickly turned it back down to a simmer.

See, I’m the only one that enjoyed that song and I felt like if no one else did then I shouldn’t be allowed to enjoy it. Not only that, but I didn’t want to hear the . . . .

“ugh, you LIKE this song?”

I started thinking about other situations in my life that make me feel this way and coincidentally most of them revolve around food. For instance . . .

I always like to be the last one on the buffet line. whether it’s a party or some sort of event that unveils food all at once, I don’t feel like I should be up there first. Part of me just doesn’t like a crowd but I think the real reason is that I want everyone else to get what they want before I get what I want. If there is only crap left then that’s ok, thats what I deserve.

I can’t eat if your not eating. If I’m hungry and I want to eat, and Chris doesn’t want to then I just don’t eat. Eating is a pleasurable experience for me and if that other person doesn’t doesn’t want to participate, then I don’t deserve to either. I also think that when you are hungry and you eat when no one else is, it draws attention to you even if you aren’t hungry. I feel like people stare at my food and wish they ordered something and then I feel compelled to share which I don’t mind doing but attention on just me makes me uncomfortable.

These are just the main food instances, but I realize it happens a lot in life.

I like to be last on line for everything.

I never believe that I could win a contest.

I like going shopping and doing things on off peak times.

The more I think about it, the more things come to me. The main theme is that for some reason, I don’t feel like I deserve to put myself out there and do what I want. I feel like I can’t relax unless everybody else is happy. I am putting others before myself when I don’t always need to.

I must explore this more.

Id like to say that I am proud of myself for not bingeing on food for a little over two months.

. . . Then it occurred to me that I still may be bingeing and not realizing it.

When I was training for ‘bodybuilding’ I was on a very strict calorie limit. I was denying myself not only calories, but whole food groups! Because I didn’t truly and honestly want to be in a bodybuilding competition for me and me only, you could imagine how hard I rebelled against the whole diet process.

It’s started out with a taste of peanut butter WHILE I was preparing something bland to eat. Then I took some more. I made the food I was supposed to make but I realized that I went a little bit over my peanut butter allotment for the day with the tastes.

And then, it was as if the skies opened up. I was standing in the doorway of white and sprinted past the grey into the black door. More peanut butter was consumed. Then I’d probably make toast with butter because I love bread and couldn’t have any. I opened the same fridge that I opened literally minutes before but this time all of the food was labeled ‘vacation’ instead of ‘restriction’. Id continue to eat. It was labeled this because I continued on until I was stuffed beyond belief . . . And then I woke up as if my mind was on a vacation for a whole 10min.

I’d sprint past the grey again, this time bringing guilt and shame along. I’d stay in white room for as long as I could trying to undo the damage by further restricting and telling myself how stupid I was for not having willpower. This would last for a bit, but I always went back.

These days I can say I honestly don’t do that anymore. But what I have noticed is that I still binge but on a lesser scale. For instance when I come home for lunch I’m usually ravenous! And usually, I don’t have a solid meal prepared. So as I’m trying to figure out what I want, I usually pick at so many different things while standing. Finally I make something and when I realize what I made is not something i wanted, I pick some more.

Previously I wasn’t calling that bingeing, but you know what?

It is . . .

I may not be eating AS MUCH as I used to back in those days, but no matter if it’s a rice cake or an ice cream cake, my mind is still on vacation.

I am choosing to eat unconsciously to help deal with the fact that I didn’t spend the time to figure out what I want and actually prepare it and sit down with it.

I am choosing to eat unconciously because I don’t feel like dealing with the stress I have from work no matter how big of little it may be. I would rather move right on to eating so that I don’t have to feel the uncomfortable feeling of stress.

The funny thing is, if I had just not eaten while preparing and let myself feel the stress, by the time I actually ate, it would have passed and I would have actually enjoyed my meal and been satisfied.

I would have chosen to take care of myself and walk away feeling great about that decision and great about me!

But I Don’t . . .

The good thing is, now when I do this, my binge vacations are not alone. My Inner Voice slips into my suitcase and just observes things as they happen.

Later, I ask what it saw and it tells me all of the above.

What defines a binge for you? What do you do to learn from your mistakes?

  • None
  • Ayla: My easiest dinner recipe? PB + banana sandwich. Takes 2 minutes which makes me a very happy girl.
  • kristisn: Yum! That looks like a great dinner.
  • Kate D: After two scarring experiences stuck in big city rush hour traffic (facing the wrong direction) while on vacation with my parents I totally understand

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