Balancing Val

Posts Tagged ‘diet

Id like to say that I am proud of myself for not bingeing on food for a little over two months.

. . . Then it occurred to me that I still may be bingeing and not realizing it.

When I was training for ‘bodybuilding’ I was on a very strict calorie limit. I was denying myself not only calories, but whole food groups! Because I didn’t truly and honestly want to be in a bodybuilding competition for me and me only, you could imagine how hard I rebelled against the whole diet process.

It’s started out with a taste of peanut butter WHILE I was preparing something bland to eat. Then I took some more. I made the food I was supposed to make but I realized that I went a little bit over my peanut butter allotment for the day with the tastes.

And then, it was as if the skies opened up. I was standing in the doorway of white and sprinted past the grey into the black door. More peanut butter was consumed. Then I’d probably make toast with butter because I love bread and couldn’t have any. I opened the same fridge that I opened literally minutes before but this time all of the food was labeled ‘vacation’ instead of ‘restriction’. Id continue to eat. It was labeled this because I continued on until I was stuffed beyond belief . . . And then I woke up as if my mind was on a vacation for a whole 10min.

I’d sprint past the grey again, this time bringing guilt and shame along. I’d stay in white room for as long as I could trying to undo the damage by further restricting and telling myself how stupid I was for not having willpower. This would last for a bit, but I always went back.

These days I can say I honestly don’t do that anymore. But what I have noticed is that I still binge but on a lesser scale. For instance when I come home for lunch I’m usually ravenous! And usually, I don’t have a solid meal prepared. So as I’m trying to figure out what I want, I usually pick at so many different things while standing. Finally I make something and when I realize what I made is not something i wanted, I pick some more.

Previously I wasn’t calling that bingeing, but you know what?

It is . . .

I may not be eating AS MUCH as I used to back in those days, but no matter if it’s a rice cake or an ice cream cake, my mind is still on vacation.

I am choosing to eat unconsciously to help deal with the fact that I didn’t spend the time to figure out what I want and actually prepare it and sit down with it.

I am choosing to eat unconciously because I don’t feel like dealing with the stress I have from work no matter how big of little it may be. I would rather move right on to eating so that I don’t have to feel the uncomfortable feeling of stress.

The funny thing is, if I had just not eaten while preparing and let myself feel the stress, by the time I actually ate, it would have passed and I would have actually enjoyed my meal and been satisfied.

I would have chosen to take care of myself and walk away feeling great about that decision and great about me!

But I Don’t . . .

The good thing is, now when I do this, my binge vacations are not alone. My Inner Voice slips into my suitcase and just observes things as they happen.

Later, I ask what it saw and it tells me all of the above.

What defines a binge for you? What do you do to learn from your mistakes?

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Alright, I have been stressed about something the past few days. I can’t really explain why here, but believe me I am learning from it. šŸ˜¦

Im learning about how ‘auto-pilot’ I go when something is on my mind and taking control. I stop listening to my huger cues so much and I definitely don’t listen to my fullness signals as well either.

In the midst of everything, I pondered about something that has been happening . . .

Has this ever happened to you?

You get hunger pangs, that start draw your attention to the emptiness in your stomach. You think about eating and what sounds good to you. You don’t quite know exactly what you want, but you know the genre . . . Sweet, salty, carby, savory, protein-ish, warm, cold, liquidy

You finally decide on the theme . . .

You get to the kitchen . . . Scratch around a bit and . . . NOTHING.

There is absolutely nothing in the house that will satisfy your true hunger at this moment.

So what do you do?

Do you go out and get what it is that you want?

Or do you make do with what you have and eat a meal that cures hunger, but not in the pleasurable way?

I have to say most of the time, I try and make something out of what I have in the house. But that often leaves me feeling like I ‘missed something’ and that I need to eat AGAIN to satisfy the real craving. It’s as if my body carves out room for something specific and the hole won’t go away until it gets exactly what it needs. It’s like using a square shape block to fit into a circle.

I don’t always have time or money to go out and buy what I want, especially in the moment. And these days, I don’t always have a good enough stocked fridge and cabinets to create the perfect satisfying meal, but I am working on it.

I know every meal is not going to be perfect and that’s fine with me. It just seems to happen a lot lately and I’m wondering if you ladies go through this too.

What if you are in a situation where you must eat a sandwich if your craving a smoothie? Do you eat the sandwich anyway to cure the hunger. Or do you wait it out for what it is that you really want.

It’s been a long while since I have had 3 days off in a row. It was such a great feeling on Sunday night when I’d normally be sulking, that I had another full day off! And not just any old day off . . . Today is my Dads 50th Birthday!

Happy Birthday Dad!

Let me share some of the things I did this weekend . . .

WARNING: Lots of Random Pictures Ahead

I Had a bunch of laughs with friends at a bonfire while drinking my favorite Sam Adams beer.

I attempted to start drawing cool header ideas for my blog.


I got some quality time hanging out with old man Ozzy at my parents house.


I got my hands on my first pumpkin spiced latte of the season and accompanied it with a delicious pumpkin scone. Yum! šŸ™‚

Went shopping with my sisters so they can get a birthday gift for Dad.


Waded through a mountain of chocolate, butterscotch, and peanut butter chip pancakes and a home made breakfast quiche for Dad’s birthday breakfast.


Ate a few bites of ‘chocolate death-cake’ and gave dad a gift certificate to Mortons Steakhouse along with this candy that he hates as a joke.


I also was able to take 2 naps outside this weekend, started reading a book by Dave Ramsey, went for a 5 mile walk/jog around reservoir and finish my laundry. Well, it still has to be ironed šŸ˜¦

I’m pretty upset with myself because really didn’t feed myself well. It’s not so much that i ate food that was ‘bad’ but I wasn’t really listening go my hunger and fullness signals at all. I don’t want to sound diet-y by saying ill be good tomorrow, but that’s how I feel.

I’m going to focus on the WHY though. Maybe I’m stresses out about something and i don’t even know it!

Now I’m off to bed with a cup of my favorite Sleepytime Tea. Might get up early for a run then back to the daily grind.

What did you do this weekend?

BlogPress from my iPad

Tonight we are headed out to dinner for Chris’s sisters birthday. Her choice of restaurant is Applebee’s because that’s what she wanted. I remember the last time i was there was roughly 2 months ago for Chris’s dads birthday. I remember ordering a salad even though i really didn’t want one. . . .

At that point in my life, i had been through the diet ringer. 7 years of failed attempts to lose weight continued to take a huge toll. Fail at this diet, cut out this food group, exercise more, maybe i should try being vegan or raw, perhaps a cleanse will put me on the right track blah, blah, blah. My obsession consumed me and was not letting me live my life. The scale was what told me I should have a good day, they way my clothes fit on me dictated my moods. I couldn’t remember a day when my food and weight obsession DIDNT bother me.

That night we stopped at barnes and noble for the heck of it. I of course ran over to the diet section and perused around. I’ve seen everything before, and really was hesitant to buy anything that day, especially after wasting money on a salad I didn’t enjoy. But something told me to pick up this copy of Intuitive Eating. I really didn’t leaf much through it, but something told me to just buy it anyway . . . Something intuitive inside of me perhaps? šŸ˜‰

I got home and started reading right away. Immediately all I could think of was how crazy it was to read word after word and have so many things just click and ‘a ha’ at once. It was as if this book spilled out all of the dirty tricks, secrets and mind games I kept all inside my head for years.

Since then I am glad to say, my obsession with food and diets has been turned around SO much. I’ve learned a ton of things that are helping me dig out of this hole i have been in for 7 years, and i feel better about myself then I have since i cant remember. I feel so much more comfortable being my true self, not hiding anything, and really have started living my life.

I do however, struggle with many things. I look at the past 2 months as just scratching the surface of what i still must learn. One of the reasons I started this blog was so that I can document my thoughts and feelings about intuitive eating as well as the many other aspects of life that fixing your relationship with food unfolds.

For now though, here are just a few of the main important things i have learned, and the things i am still struggling with . . .

THINGS I HAVE LEARNED SO FAR

– You can not lose weight to love yourself, you must love yourself to lose weight.

– Your body’s internal wisdom which has always been within, is the only thing you should listen to. It knows what you truly want, how much and when to stop . . . this doesn’t stop at food!

– The only thing that food cures is hunger, which means that any time you are eating without being hungry, you are hungry for something else whether it be a cure from boredom, loneliness, a distraction from stress, attentio, ect . . .

– There are many things that your relationship with food is connected to, many positive and negative issues will arise once you clear your obsession and start living. It is so so so important that you FEEL YOUR FEELINGS!

– I am not alone. I cant tell you how liberating it is to know that there are so many people that have not only lived through this, but were open enough to share their stories. You are why I am inspired to share my journey.

THINGS I STILL STRUGGLE WITH

– Accepting my body the way it is NOW.

– Distinguishing sugar cravings for food and real cravings for food. Is it my body or the addiction to sugar talking?

– Putting labels on food. Good, bad, healthy, junk?

– Putting labels on myself! Am I a healthy eater? Am I a vegetarian? Am I a clean eater? . . . Who cares?

– Finding exercise that I love enough to be consistent with.

– Emotional eating, or eating when I am not hungry

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I am still learning and I am still struggling to find a balance for it all and there will be many more posts on this topic. I can honestly say though, that buying that books is one of the best things I ever did for myself. And tonight, even though I don’t enjoy Applebee’s very much, you can be sure that I will be ordering exactly what I want . . . . And enjoying it šŸ™‚



  • Ayla: My easiest dinner recipe? PB + banana sandwich. Takes 2 minutes which makes me a very happy girl.
  • kristisn: Yum! That looks like a great dinner.
  • Kate D: After two scarring experiences stuck in big city rush hour traffic (facing the wrong direction) while on vacation with my parents I totally understand

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