Balancing Val

Posts Tagged ‘Binge

In exactly 5 days Chris and I will be boarding a plane for our much needed VACATION


We are very lucky. This will be our 4th vacation since we started dating. Some people seem a bit resentful when we tell them we are going away, but I am done feeling guilty. This is what we CHOOSE to spend our money on . . . Not drinking, or smoking but vacations. We make them a priority and enjoy them a lot. This one however, may be the last one we go on in a long time as I will not know what kind of job shape I will be in next year after completing school next year. .

So, the pressure is on to have a great time . . .

Or is it?

I want to share with you The Cycle. The whirlwind of madness that instills in my brain and in my actions the very second we sign out with the travel agent.

Vacation is booked 3-4 months in advance. Excitement fills me but so does an impending fear. I look at myself and assure that i have enough time to lose weight so i can look great. Because I don’t deserve to go on vacation if I’m overweight. I come up with a strict plan and tell myself if i just struggle with this now, then i can relax on vacation in my new body. The first few weeks are ok. Then i start to fall off the wagon as the diet rush wares off. I start eating foods slowly that i have been restricting . . . I start bingeing on them and tell myself its ok because i still have time. I end up stressing myself out so much that i even gain a few pounds.

2-3 weeks are left. I begin to buy clothes that are slightly tight because I know that i will crack down more then ever and lose this damn weight. The week leading up to vacation is hectic . . . planning, packing, stressing . . . the excitement and anxiety is quelled by bingeing boughts and constant meals out. I weigh in the day before the vacation . . . i weigh 5-7lbs more then i started and my tight clothes are even tighter

This unfortunatley sets the tone for my whole vacation. I am excited but still disapointed in myself for failing. I eat with reckless abandon because not only am i on vacation, but i dont trust myself anyway so who cares. Every night i try on 10 different outfits to find the perfect one that hides that pooch, or one that doesnt make my arms look as fat . . . I cry in the mirror, Chris consoles me and tells me i look great anyway. I go on to have fun even though i feel awful on the inside. I spend the plane ride home dreaming about how i will look on the next vacation, and about how next time i will look and feel confident enough to do karaoke, to volunteer in fun contests, to dance, to lay on the beach . . . to live like i deserve it.

Around the time we booked this vacation, was around the time I discovered Intuitive Eating. To be honest, my first thought was OK great! This is exactly what I need to lose weight before we go.

Then I read further and found that it was obviously not a quick fix and I got scared that I wasn’t going to lose weight. Then, reading even further the book helped me realize . . .

If I’m happy with myself then it doesn’t MATTER what my weight is.

Easier said than done . . . I KNOW!

In fact, i’m still working in becoming happy with myself as is but I can say that I have made HUGE strides in breaking that cycle.

I bought clothes that FIT me!

I did NOT diet at any point since booking!

I have NOT weighed myself in close to 3 months!

I am MUCH less hard on myself!

I am MUCH more happy in general!

I think this time is different. This time I will be celebrating RIGHT NOW instead of pitying myself in hopes of a better future me.

It’s about time šŸ˜‰

Have you ever experienced this before and on a Vacation?

Id like to say that I am proud of myself for not bingeing on food for a little over two months.

. . . Then it occurred to me that I still may be bingeing and not realizing it.

When I was training for ‘bodybuilding’ I was on a very strict calorie limit. I was denying myself not only calories, but whole food groups! Because I didn’t truly and honestly want to be in a bodybuilding competition for me and me only, you could imagine how hard I rebelled against the whole diet process.

It’s started out with a taste of peanut butter WHILE I was preparing something bland to eat. Then I took some more. I made the food I was supposed to make but I realized that I went a little bit over my peanut butter allotment for the day with the tastes.

And then, it was as if the skies opened up. I was standing in the doorway of white and sprinted past the grey into the black door. More peanut butter was consumed. Then I’d probably make toast with butter because I love bread and couldn’t have any. I opened the same fridge that I opened literally minutes before but this time all of the food was labeled ‘vacation’ instead of ‘restriction’. Id continue to eat. It was labeled this because I continued on until I was stuffed beyond belief . . . And then I woke up as if my mind was on a vacation for a whole 10min.

I’d sprint past the grey again, this time bringing guilt and shame along. I’d stay in white room for as long as I could trying to undo the damage by further restricting and telling myself how stupid I was for not having willpower. This would last for a bit, but I always went back.

These days I can say I honestly don’t do that anymore. But what I have noticed is that I still binge but on a lesser scale. For instance when I come home for lunch I’m usually ravenous! And usually, I don’t have a solid meal prepared. So as I’m trying to figure out what I want, I usually pick at so many different things while standing. Finally I make something and when I realize what I made is not something i wanted, I pick some more.

Previously I wasn’t calling that bingeing, but you know what?

It is . . .

I may not be eating AS MUCH as I used to back in those days, but no matter if it’s a rice cake or an ice cream cake, my mind is still on vacation.

I am choosing to eat unconsciously to help deal with the fact that I didn’t spend the time to figure out what I want and actually prepare it and sit down with it.

I am choosing to eat unconciously because I don’t feel like dealing with the stress I have from work no matter how big of little it may be. I would rather move right on to eating so that I don’t have to feel the uncomfortable feeling of stress.

The funny thing is, if I had just not eaten while preparing and let myself feel the stress, by the time I actually ate, it would have passed and I would have actually enjoyed my meal and been satisfied.

I would have chosen to take care of myself and walk away feeling great about that decision and great about me!

But I Don’t . . .

The good thing is, now when I do this, my binge vacations are not alone. My Inner Voice slips into my suitcase and just observes things as they happen.

Later, I ask what it saw and it tells me all of the above.

What defines a binge for you? What do you do to learn from your mistakes?

    • Ayla: My easiest dinner recipe? PB + banana sandwich. Takes 2 minutes which makes me a very happy girl.
    • kristisn: Yum! That looks like a great dinner.
    • Kate D: After two scarring experiences stuck in big city rush hour traffic (facing the wrong direction) while on vacation with my parents I totally understand

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