Balancing Val

Observations of Care

Posted on: September 16, 2010

WARNING: this is another post on self-care. I don’t have advice to give here or any life changing revelations. This is simply just an observation I have had recently and I’d like to post it while its on my mind.

Over the weekend my mom was driving me and my sisters somewhere. A song came on the radio that I enjoy. At first I turned it up but then quickly turned it back down to a simmer.

See, I’m the only one that enjoyed that song and I felt like if no one else did then I shouldn’t be allowed to enjoy it. Not only that, but I didn’t want to hear the . . . .

“ugh, you LIKE this song?”

I started thinking about other situations in my life that make me feel this way and coincidentally most of them revolve around food. For instance . . .

I always like to be the last one on the buffet line. whether it’s a party or some sort of event that unveils food all at once, I don’t feel like I should be up there first. Part of me just doesn’t like a crowd but I think the real reason is that I want everyone else to get what they want before I get what I want. If there is only crap left then that’s ok, thats what I deserve.

I can’t eat if your not eating. If I’m hungry and I want to eat, and Chris doesn’t want to then I just don’t eat. Eating is a pleasurable experience for me and if that other person doesn’t doesn’t want to participate, then I don’t deserve to either. I also think that when you are hungry and you eat when no one else is, it draws attention to you even if you aren’t hungry. I feel like people stare at my food and wish they ordered something and then I feel compelled to share which I don’t mind doing but attention on just me makes me uncomfortable.

These are just the main food instances, but I realize it happens a lot in life.

I like to be last on line for everything.

I never believe that I could win a contest.

I like going shopping and doing things on off peak times.

The more I think about it, the more things come to me. The main theme is that for some reason, I don’t feel like I deserve to put myself out there and do what I want. I feel like I can’t relax unless everybody else is happy. I am putting others before myself when I don’t always need to.

I must explore this more.

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5 Responses to "Observations of Care"

You DO deserve what you want. You deserve to eat the good food and ENJOY it. You deserve to be first in line, or listen to the music you like. You deserve all of this and more.

Thank you, Leah. It feels weird to agree!

You are beautiful and one of the most important people in your life. Actually, are ARE the most important person in your life. It sounds a bit selfish but you need to pamper yourself and do what makes you happy. Draw attention to yourself, you deserve it! I know, I know.. easier said than done but I believe in you. 🙂

You absolutely deserve everything you want and to put yourself out there.

Wow, I totally identify with you. I do many of the same things but for me it’s more about not being comfortable in crowds or having attention on me. I’ve come to terms with some of it and have even found the courage to go first in line at the buffet – ok, it was only once but I did it and survived! I think it’s ok for me to want others to go first and avoid crowds but I had to understand that it’s ok for me to go first and shop at peak times because no one is staring at me and that I have as much right to be there as anyone else. It took time, and a loving partner, but I’m doing better and hope you will, too!

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  • None
  • Ayla: My easiest dinner recipe? PB + banana sandwich. Takes 2 minutes which makes me a very happy girl.
  • kristisn: Yum! That looks like a great dinner.
  • Kate D: After two scarring experiences stuck in big city rush hour traffic (facing the wrong direction) while on vacation with my parents I totally understand

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